Experiment #16: Reusable "Paper" Towels, Fancy Cups and Messy Clothes

Practicing Imperfection

So this isn't one of my typical experiment posts. But I'm having one of those days...one of those months. Where I feel the weight of my responsibilities acutely, piercingly. There is a constant sense that regardless how carefully I consider things, how much I seek and pray and listen, how much I research, analyze and discuss, that someone important will disapprove. Someone whose opinion matters will think I have miscalculated, misjudged, messed up.

Someone will misunderstand me. Someone will think I am incompetent.

I have a fervent need to understand others and be understood. This intense need drives me to ask lots of pointed and direct questions and has managed to cause both the majority of conflicts and resolutions in my life. Consequently, it really bothers me if someone has been hurt by me or thinks poorly of me (or if I even think they might be hurt by or think poorly of me) because they misunderstood something I said or did. I have even been known to get out of bed at 3am to compose an email of explanation and apology to an offended party.

While this may seem like an excellent quality, much of that intense need to clear up misunderstanding is that I am afraid to be thought incompetent. I need people to know that I didn't intend to hurt them. I need them to know I have thought through and researched my decisions. This unrealistic need affects what I am willing to share. For example, "Christian" has come to be associated with so many things unrelated to what I live, I have a particularly hard time discussing my faith without first providing sufficient context. I just need people to understand, if not support, my decisions.

But if I'm really gut-level honest, it's not the fear of being thought incompetent that drives much of what I do, but the fear of actually being found incompetent.

Because then someone will know I am actually incompetent. 

The new me!

While I am polishing up my next post, I thought I would share my recently created avatar! See, I have some pretty amazing friends. Friends who have gifts of creativity, generosity and kindness that leave me in awe and inspire me to be more creative myself. Corby is one of those people. I've known him now for...whoa...almost 15 YEARS!? He never ceases to amaze me with his quick wit, insightful and dry sense of humor, and the uncanny way he uses a pen and paper (both through words and illustrations) to represent the world. He noticed that I needed a better online presence. And like magic, here she is. I love her...me.

A few years ago he created this amazing Fairy Princess Nora for her 3rd birthday.

I've worked with Corby both as a friend and in a professional capacity. He is truly gifted. And humble. And I think he's genuinely unaware of the extent of his talent. And to top it off, he's a fantastic friend. I always leave an encounter with him feeling better about myself.

He needs to write another play. And a graphic novel. And a collection of satiric vignettes. And I'm going to unabashedly pester him to illustrate one of my future posts.  And when I can compensate him appropriately, I will eventually commission him to avatar-up the rest of my family.

Check out his illustrations and animations. He's pretty awesome.